Part 3.3 of my very long post

In August 2012 is spend the most amazing time at the conference in Zwolle Netherlands. I met new people and made friends.
This is where I heard my calling for the fist time, God literally spoke to me and I answered.(Not like I had an option hahahha)

I went to this conference not knowing what to expect at all. I went to the conference still fired up by God, but with less commitment than I have today.
Their were many amazing preachers, they talked about being lukewarm christian or being fired-up and about how to keep yourself fired up.
They talked about stretching out our tent(meaning the church we serve under,I serve under the congregation of the deur or the potterhouse but I explain in an other post what we stand for)
They talked about the calling of god, the calling for pioneering a church somewhere in the world or the calling to be an active member of you church and being a disciple.
How many people don't know that the are being called or wonder  if the have what it takes.

While the preacher was addressing the sermon of being fired-up and how God rather us being backsliders than a lukewarm Christians,side note
Backslider: a christian that has fallen into sin and the has  repented and chose to follow Christ again, meaning made the choice to follow in Jesus footsteps again after falling in sin.(it does not mean that this person can keep on sinning as much as he wants as long as he repents, just making sure you know this)
Lukewarm christian: what is the fall back in that, well if you are lukewarm and not active not reading you bible not praying, you are drifting of to a cliff without knowing that you will end up not being saved when the rapture comes.

It really stood out to me what the preacher was saying, that we  can become lukewarm more like an coma way of a Christan you are there but not really there. I wondered how to keep myself fired up.
I was struggling at the conference, so many people where so very far in there experience with god there I was and I could not even speak in tongues after 5 months I felt like such a bad christian.

As the preacher that was talking about things that we have in our lives that hold us back, how things we do or not keeps us on some level sheltered from god.
I started to realize that I had my share of stuff that blocked my personal relationship with god.
I still had piercings and music that was not godly or gospel, I had jewelry that was not the right choice for me at that moment in my life, I even had a gifts from people that I knew were wrong but just kept them because they were given to me. (It's king of weird if somebody gives you something contagious would you keep it)I knew in my heart that I had to change a lot a give god my full devotion if I really wanted to do great things in his name. I was still very unsure how.

add clips of the conference to this blog

The last day of the conference the same preacher was preaching again about lukewarm Christians and backsliders and I was not a backslider nor a lukewarm christian. So as I listened to him preach I found it hard to pay attention because I fell like I heard this before.
Until he started preaching towards us that were not lukewarm or backslider, he was talking about encouraging ourselves to do more for god and waking up and stop being lazy by just doing just enough to get us through.
Challenge ourselves to do more so that we can learn more.
With this he asked who wanted to be prayed for that wanted more fire, wanted to be more activated.

With him saying this I knew I needed to walk forward but I wasn't sure I could, I kept on wondering what others would think of me..It was like I was lifted of my chair and I found myself kneeling in front of the altar in gods arms.

Praying and asking god to forgive me and that I heard his voice and that I knew what he was asking of me and that I would do my utter best to become a example and a vessel to do everything within gods grace. I was praying and weeping telling god as soon as I got home my piercing would be taken of my music would be out of my house my movies will be gone and everything that would not reflect the way god makes me feel.

I asked my pastor how do I know what to trow out and what to keep.My pastor said the best way to look at is is, if Jesus would visit your house would he be embarrassed by anything he saw in you possession.He could have not said it any clearer.

I have not watch anything worldly in a while until a friend of mine came along with a series that I used to watch called Fringe. I told myself that there was nothing wrong with it and that it was only fantasy.
I watch a few episodes and I must admit I still liked the series, but it is not who I am anymore.
The reason for the change is very simple, I want to be a example for people that are struggling in their walk with Christ, I might not struggle with fringe or it might not give me the wrong ideas, but not everybody reacts the same way to everything the get exposed to.
I'll give you an example I had a friend back when I lived in an Island and we used to listen to the same kinda of hard rock band only he came up to me and told me that the music was telling him to kill people, I remember looking at him as if he was kidding. He was serious, I told him that he should choose other music to listen to then.
So I decided to give my friend Fringe back and continue with my vision. I want to set the example that it is possible the live without watching or listening things from the word. With this I leave you with 2 amazing movies to watch Christian of course and 2 bands I really enjoy music from.

 

Courageous

    Quality:  

When a tragedy strikes close to home, four police officers struggle with their faith and their roles as husbands and fathers; together they make a decision that will change all of their lives.

you can watch this movie online

Facing the Giants

Facing the Giants: A losing coach with an underdog football team faces their giants of fear and failure on and off the field to surprising results

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vJ6aJknbus


here you can listen to strong tower by Kutless

here you can listen to the art of breaking from a thousand foot krutch



A poem I wrote sometime ago

My heart feels like a fragments of shattered glass
that pierce through every molecule of my body
every time I try to extract the fragments from my bloodline
I cave under the high pitch screams of my inner self
and the unbearable pain and intense flavor of
acid metallic blood that I can taste within me
as my soul begs me to abandon the task

You tore my heart out and fed the agonizing constructions
to you soul fueled by Lucifer minions.
I gave you aces to my life machine
so that you took the segments apart
as I lay there and did nothing to stop you.

I wrote this poem about 2 months and 1 years ago.I have written a lot of poetry in my life , but it seems that I only could write when I was miserable or in a lot of pain or very sad.
Agony seemed to be my fuel, I wrote from a very dark place that I never want to return to.

At this unilluminated moment in my life I have to confess that I did have suicidal thoughts, I am not proud of it but I want to be as honest as possible on my blog. 
I believed my life was over and that there was no other way than  digging my own grave with my bare hands bleeding and all because I deserved it.
I felt so alone in this world a believed that it would be a relief to plenty people if I just took my own life.

It's amazing how I can look back at myself and know the person that wrote that poem but I do not recognize her face anymore. The physical aspect of the person is in there but the true essence is absent.
Hatred and bitterness turned me into a pretty good poet,it had such a grip on me but even with all the talent I was not happy within me, the me that did not love herself not even one bit.
I would tell people I did which was a big fat lie.

For this and many reason I thank my heavenly father 

• I thank you for forever changing me into the person I am today. 

• Thank you for me being able to let that person go and put her to rest.

• Thank you for showing me that there is an other way to look at myself, your way with your love

• Thank you for letting me feel and know that I am your daughter and you will always love and accept me and that your love will never change it will be ever lasting love a the only father that will never forsake me.

I started this blog as a stepping stone for me to be able to write my story into a book.I want to write a book that I hope will inspire people someday through my struggles and my achievements I hope to help people with the struggle maybe even plant some seeds for god to be able to grow his trees.

English is not my fist language, so there will be awful grammar mistakes and I am trying to learn from them. If my grammar bothers you please look at all the positive things that ooze from my blog and forget the little things like a spelling mistake.
If my grammar still bugs you my blog is not effective enough to inspire you, I urge you to find a blog that does inspire you and is spelling friendly.
If my spelling bugs you but you are still inspired, please tell me what I can change and I will do my best to keep on learning.

As for me I promise to learn from my mistakes and by feedback. I would like to be able to write my book in the future without having numerous people going through it to dig out all the mistakes.
I hope then to have practiced enough English so that I can write a book that is worthy to be inspired you.

I want to leave you with food for thought.


Jesus Loves you and the devil is the author of confusion